But it’s not HIM who has an issue with the marriage; it’s HER
And yet – there IS a lot of negativity in this letter. Your own. Um, no wonder he has A LOT of negativity. Think about that. Think about your own actions. Do you show your husband that you appreciate him and what he does? Frankly – you haven’t built much of a case that you do.
LW, go on a 10 day cruise with your granddaughter WITHOUT your husband. Sounds like you just need an escape from each other to me. I wish there were some examples in your letter.
I can’t really tell if the LW has tried to address this with her husband or not. If not, then he at least deserves the chance to hear how she feels and make changes if he can – and she might have more chance of success if the discussion comes in the context of a marriage counselor.
If she has discussed it with him and he’s showed no interest in changing his behaviour, then I’d vote for getting a therapist and a lawyer, in that order, to help her through the transition. I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to disentangle your life from someone else’s after 40+ years. But if you’re miserable, and he’s miserable (he certainly sounds miserable), then what’s the point of continuing?
Look, your husband has spent forty years working away at a job that he probably found mildly enjoyable (at best) for a family that sounds decidedly unappreciative
That’s exactly what I wanted to say, but I didn’t know how to say it. If this were a younger couple, I assume that there’d be some talk to communicating with the husband, figuring out if it’s depressed, etc. I was a little surprised not to see that here. Maybe this is really off-base, but it reminds me of a dynamic I’ve seen among some older couples (not sure if it’s age-based, or just generational) where you believe that it’s normal to hate your spouse or where you don’t actually communicate ABOUT the relationship. (I’m not trying to generalize about everyone, but I do believe marriage has undergone some changes over the years.)
What I’m wondering is, has he always been like this? Has it ever been addressed? I sympathize with the LW, but I also wonder if the husband knows anything about this. To be honest, if someone was displeased with their partner for decades and never said anything about it, that would imply to me that they didn’t really care about the relationship either.
In terms of financial stability, I agree that seeing a lawyer is a good idea. Wendy talks up the ability for a former homemaker to keep her own home, but I seriously doubt that’s what the LW was concerned about. My mom is divorced and 65 and is, I hate to say it, nearly incompetent at fending for herself financially. So, it’s really, really important to talk this through, and I’d suggest doing so before the husband officially retires because he may not be prepared for the kind of financial hit that a divorce entails.
Anyone else bothered by the part of the advice that discusses the husband living in his own small apartment? If the LW is unhappy and has brought this to his attention and he hasn’t done anything about it, make plans accordingly. Saying “I can’t stand you anymore, so go live somewhere else while I stay in this house you paid for” – and, no, I’m not minimizing the important role of a housewife, but he DID technically pay the money for it – is unfair, in my opinion. If she feels the need to leave and find another place then I understand, but he shouldn’t be kicked out.
